Why it's called what it's called...

Not All Is Lost is sort of a play on words. First of all, my husband and I divorced this year and he left me and my daughters for another woman. I believe part of this was because he could not handle my mental illness - I have bipolar disorder exacerbated by postpartum depression. I am still battling deep, dark depression every single day and it is a battle. It's the hardest fight I've ever been in and I'm barely winning. I often feel like I've lost everything... my husband, my mind, faith... but my weight is an ever present reminder that not all is lost... and hopefully neither is hope.

No more

I'm not going to do this to myself anymore. I'm 286 pounds and 5'4 1/2" inches tall. I have a BMI of 46 or something like that. I have two little girls who are 3 and 1 and who deserve to have a thin mommy who can run and play with them, take them to the park, and be healthy. They need a mom to teach them about self esteem and that food is not joy. Today I start that journey. I admit I've been taking baby steps. Today I was more active than most days. I cleaned out a closet, took out trash, brought some things out of the garage. I broke a sweat. My heart raced and pounded. I thought I was going to have an asthma attack just climbing the stairs. My back ached. I slept most of the day because I'm not getting good sleep at night thanks to sleep apnea. My 3 1/2 year old knows what a CPAP is. That's not what I wanted.

Somehow, some way, whether it is surgical intervention, or through my own strength and will I will fight this obesity beast and win. I will learn to change my relationship with food, learn that food is not the enemy, I am my own enemy. It's like alcoholism. Telling my mom not to drink was fruitless. Telling me not to eat 'as much' is just as fruitless. I realize now that my mom had to want to change. So do I. And I do. I can't live like this any longer. I've had my wakeup call. I will not let myself get to 300 pounds.

So my plans are:
1) buy myself a new scale for Christmas
2) eat low carb, less than 1000 calories a day at first, then working up to 1500.
3) Start moving... whether it is with the kids, cleaning the house, doing Walk Away the Pounds, whatever!
4) Journal, journal, journal, because how I feel is reflected in how I eat and if I can bypass some of that by writing, then write on I will, honey!

First issue.... I have a friend... of the male persuasion.. who I really really REALLY like... coming into town to see ME.. little ol ME. He is a beautiful, intelligent, ambitious man who is a good father to his children... did I mention beautiful? Well I'm terrified. As much as I am dying to see him, I'm more scared than anything because of worrying how he will look at me, my weight, what I look like. He says he loves me. He has seen pictures and still says he loves me. But he's never met me so how does he really know? Only time will tell that. But the fact that he could possibly have interest in me is just mind blowing alone and makes me skeptical. Actually, there is more than one guy right now who has interest in me and I just don't understand it. I guess my self esteem needs some major, major work.